The Tower falls to be rebuilt from within...

              The Tower is a symbol of the universal principle of healing, renovation, and restoration.


This is NOW.  I am in the midst of a wonderfully marvelous process of being a self actualized human being.  Of course, this is the process we are all ever presently in but for this guy, this one right here writing these words well, I'm in it.  That tower above was the card I drew just now after coming back from an energy work session that was focused on my heart space and core.  You see, I've lived an incredibly awesome life in so many respects these past 31 years and now, as in, right NOW I find myself looking to be more whole and complete in my isness.  That is to say, I see that since birth likely I've been in this more or less constant journey to integrate my entire being so as to be more authentically, energetically present in this vessel we call a body.

I am as some may say a dreamer, many may acknowledge me as living life with my head in the clouds if you will.  There is something accurate in this assessment, spiritually speaking I've lived much of my life more connected to the ethereal realms rather than the physical.  I've not intentionally lived this way mind you, it is not as if my whole life I've been seeking to be spiritual.  It seems to me almost to be the opposite.  I have since I was a youngster often felt rather out of place in this world and it has confused and confounded me all the way up to the present.  It has been through accidental or intentional interaction with divine sources that I've been most at ease here in this existence.

What I am attempting to express or gain clarity on is the concept that I have truly lived my life as a spiritual being having a human experience and only so very recently have I been in a space within myself where I earnestly wish to integrate the two and live and broadcast an integrated experience purely and awesomely through a heart centered core.  My brain is smart, very intelligent indeed.  I am quite capable of formulating great and complex stories and realities that may or may not have anything to do with this present reality you and I find ourselves in the midst of.  What I am very excited to be doing is acknowledging how my brain has been running the show for a great deal of this journey and now I would very much like to welcome my heart and core into the mix so that there is a cohesive balance found.  This is something I embrace not as some illusory future possibility but rather as something that is wholly and completely my reality now and the fun part will be to have my inward reflection and outward projection align.

We are all divine.  We are all made of star stuff.  We are gifts unto ourselves, here to have an opportunity to realize our awesomeness.  This is an Epic (as in the actual meaning of the word not the carelessly used slang term that is so popular today) chance to shine brightly from our core as individual human beings being a glorious unified expression of divinity, love, compassion, and joy spinning together back to unity.  This life is a gift for us to see, be, and then share and equally receive.

I will be touching more on this subject when I get back to touching more of these here keyboard keys later tonight ideally.  Now though I must surrender to the present moment and day and attend to the other experiences I am choosing to participate in and do my very best to do my very best...

~Love to the Now

Holy Smoke!

                                                                     (Holy Smoke!)

That terminology or expression I've used for most of my life and it literally wasn't until very recently that I was smudging a space with some sweet blessed Palo Santo (what I'm holding in the picture above) that it dawned on me that I was indeed holding and lovingly spreading 'holy smoke' around.  It made so much sense to me.  If you have yet to use or smell Palo Santo I strongly encourage you to go and get some and experience it for yourself.  Besides the fact that it smells glorious it truly is a divine and holy smoke...

So reality, or rather realistically I have a great load of words to pour out of me over the next 22 days in order to achieve the slightly ridiculous and extremely ambitious goal of writing 50,000 words digitally this month in accordance with DigiWriMo.  Do I think it impossible?  Well, think it is one thing, I believe I can do it.  I simply need to sit down here and write, write, write, right now.

What to write about?  Well, there is plenty to write about I suppose.  One topic I have yet to address is my good man Nicholas David Mrozinski doing his thing on the National Stage on a show called The Voice.  I grew up with this cat and have had the pleasure of sharing many marvelous adventures and experiences over the past 15 plus years.  It has been quite a journey for him and I am honored to see him gifting the world with his incredibly awesome voice and beyond that, his humble, grateful style of just Being that is now radiating out of televisions and on computer screens across the globe.  This is a brother of mine who has been and is on a mystical, spiritual, love filled journey for most of his life and for him to be where he is now is really wonderful for both the individual that he is and for every single person that will now through osmosis and what not receive a little bit of his blessed goodness that he has again so humbly been calling in for so long now.  I am delighted to see him gifting the world with his goodness and in so doing this receiving well deserved respect, acclaim, and recognition for his awesomeness that he so selflessly shares with us all.

Another brother of mine doing some magnificent mystical magical musical expression on bigger and bigger stages and ways world wide is Nahko Bear.  I've had the pleasure of sharing many marvelous moments with this wild and powerful being over the past 5 plus years and it has been truly remarkable to see where he has come since then.  Back then I was seeing a talented guitarist and musician and watching him perform as Nahko and Friends.  A year and a half or so later it transformed into Medicine For the People and in the grand spin of this glorious dance we're in he is now performing and would today be recognized as Nahko and Medicine for the People.  He's making waves and so is the whole Medicine Tribe.  Each of these artists are incredible in their own right and it has been a pleasure and honor to be a part of their family and community in a very intimate way these past many years.  To see the growth and the message that is shared being heard and felt all across the globe now is so wonderful.

These people are friends, they are family of mine, and as I write these words I am grateful to have shared a part of my life with these beings.  I am also extremely grateful to share this reality with all beings, human and otherwise.  For all are my friends and all are my family.  We are in this reality together doing what we're doing and it is and has been so incredibly awesome to share this existence and experience that we call life with all of you.  I pulled those two particular individuals out primarily because a piece of my attention and focus is with them now, they are both vibrating and radiating big time presently and it pleases me to see these mindful and conscious beings making big ol' waves for all to ride on that are inspiring, love filled waves that are pleasurable to surf upon.

We all have these gifts to bring out from within ourselves and share with all who care to receive them.  These gifts and blessings are yearning to be expressed and realized and it is through finding out what they are on an individual level by truly exploring the depths of our own very beings that we are able to unleash them upon this world and indeed throughout this entire universe and beyond!  We are source in an ever present and infinitely transforming experience that we call reality, this is duality's grand play back to unity that I've been having as a part of the theme of these last many writings.  These words, thoughts, and feelings are merely coming through me (as all things do) and I am simply choosing to sit here now and let my fingers type these words on to this computer screen so that any who care to shall be able to receive and integrate them into their beings.

You could, I suppose call my blog and these words an exercise in free association writing or something to that effect because sincerely, I have no particular end result I'm really striving to achieve presently.  This word, the next, and the many that will follow are just coming on out of me and you now have an opportunity to continue to read or if you so choose, you can stop too.  That's okay with me.  I'm not writing this for money, for fame, for recognition, for anything other than release and to share with you a humble individuals perspective and vision of the present, the past, the future and I suppose most importantly, the NOW.  Right now, as it were I am going to go eat a bacon cheeseburger and sweet potato fries and I imagine enjoy it so thoroughly it's not even funny.  I'll be back to write right after I get done graciously enjoying this food....

Oh my that was good.  Food, what a fantastic gift we have here to enjoy.  I can appreciate simple foods and the fact that we merely need very minimal sustenance to survive as far as fueling our bodies goes but boy oh boy do I love textures and flavors and the many marvelous varieties I've had the pleasure of eating.  I enjoy food so much.  You know, there was a time when I was a full blown vegetarian, well, more lacto-ovo than full blown though I did even go as far as to be vegan for awhile and it was quite an interesting time in my life.  For one, I limited the foods considerably that I was able to eat, by choice of course.  Having that lack of variety for the sake of being mindful for the other animals of this world was quite an interesting experiment and practice.  When I dabbled in Vegan living that was the real kicker for me as far as realizing what I was limiting myself to in variety, no cheese, very few pastries or deserts of any sort, baked goods, and so many other delicious foods were off limits.  Yes, I know, as a vegan you can get pretty clever and add apple sauce instead of dairy products in many baked goods and other crafty things like that but fuck.  I like so many foods, I mean, I like just about ALL foods.

This is an interesting topic to explore because it leads me into the concept of what's 'humane' and brings the aspect of what we as humans are doing to the other animals of this planet.  This topic is a tricky one for most people and by no means will I attempt to make any sort of foolish statement like I got this shit figured out but I will with great humility share my perspective on the matter.  Firstly, the word 'humane' is silly to me.  Humans in general do not really treat each other 'humanely', unless War, Genocide, Violence and physical abuse and the like fits in to the term 'Humane'.  I know it doesn't really but the notion that focusing on not eating the flesh or other nourishing aspects of animals (milk, eggs, honey, etc) is going to make me a better or more righteous human being no longer seems realistic to me.  And please mind you that this is not a declaration that I do not give a fuck about animals or the way the they have been treated since Monster Corporations like McDonalds and any other business that has been cutting down the rainforest's and destroying other sacred and precious parts of our world for the sake of burgers is doing something I approve of.

That simply is not the case, what I do realize is that I very much appreciate a good burger and ideally I will continue to do what I do presently in regards to this is be mindful of where it is coming from, be grateful for it being a nourishing and delicious part of my diet and consciously do everything I can to not support fast food joints and other monster businesses where they practice horrid animal farming that is largely done by machines and is so disgusting to see in person that these major corporate farms will not even let you see behind their doors.  I eat as locally as I can, purchase meats and eggs from local farmers and that goes for the fruits and vegetables I eat as well.  And before I write too much more on this subject I will just go ahead and say that I accept and acknowledge that my own hypocrisy can only go so far and that if I was going to live the most supremely righteous life that some of you may wish yourselves or me to live I realize that it simply is virtually not possible, I also would rather live the life I'm living and be grateful for it to boot.

What do I mean by my hypocrisy can only go so far?  Well, this world is made up of so many "right" and "wrongs" both from a societal standpoint and from a personal moralistic standpoint that, as I've lived these last 31 years, and especially in the last 8 or so, I have tried to live a more virtuous lifestyle in so many ways and it has not only been hard, it has down right sucked in a lot of ways too.  When I was mostly vegan and vegetarian I got so weak in certain ways that my muscles I think were sincerely degenerating.  I ate heartily of what I could, believe I got plenty of protein and fats, and what nots but I digress.  What I am really getting to is this.  I like to have rich foods sometimes.  I like to have a beer every once and awhile.  I like to have things I know are not "good" for me every once and awhile and what is different now in me particularly that wasn't present in the past is that I am not so fucking hard on myself anymore.  Sure, I am mindful of what I eat most of the time but really what I am doing now that wasn't so consistent in the past is eating balanced meals or at least if not truly balanced meals I'm not just eating rich, fatty, salty, sugary meals that are hard for my system to process.  I eat a lot of whole foods now, that didn't really happen as much years back.  I grew up on fast food in my late teens and into my early twenties.  I did.  I also drank a shit load of beer and smoked way too much pot.  I also gained some 40 extra pounds of weight in the mix and felt like shit often enough.

Since then I have done many things to alter my life so that I am more healthy and have a much more overall appreciation for life.  I weigh roughly the same as I did when I was 18 years old and I figure that is more or less my ideal body weight.  Yeah it fluctuates here and there but within reason.  As long as I am actively moving my body, getting physical exercise of some sort or another and eating more than just rich, savory and/or sweet meals all the time my body, mind, and spirit are doing well and happy with me.  And I suppose what this all does is bring me back to why I got off on this tangent about eating in the first place and being a vegetarian or vegan and all that this implies on an individual and societal level.

Basically, for me what it comes down to is I fucking love food. So much, I think a burger is arguably my favorite meal on the planet and I don't even need to apologize when I say that a veggie burger just will not cut it (forever at least), I have had some ridiculously awesome veggie burgers though I do have to admit.  And again, this brings me back to the subject/rant at hand in a way in that what I really realize about this all is that because I love food, and because I love it in so many different varieties, it does not make sense to deny myself these experiences in this lifetime.  I do not intend to be gluttonous for the sake of gluttony, that is to say, I will embrace any wild ass decadent meal that is placed before me quite graciously.  I may even go out of my way to explore some awesome culinary delight that involves fish, meat, dairy, eggs, or all of the above.  What I will also do while enjoying these things is be grateful.  I will give thanks for the lives, the labor, the love, and the intentions that went into each and all of these things and I really believe that this is of great importance.

So, gratitude, love, compassion, appreciation, respect, and a general mindfulness for what actions I am taking in this life are what I see as the most important things that I can focus my attention and intentions on while I exist in this body.  I shall be a vessel of light, a joy filled spirit on a journey of understanding and embracing just how gloriously amazingly awesome this reality is.  I am here to live in enlightenment, to be here now, to see heaven in every moment, and to cherish the gift of being alive to fullest.  This is an ever changing reality is it not?  I see the truth and feel the knowing one day, in one moment of the ever present now and then another sunrise and sunset occurs and my perspective is flipped on its ass.  What of it?

I embrace and appreciate that to be authentically real and be in the realness of this life that my perspective is going to change and change it will!  I choose to accept that the truth, like evolution, like creation itself is ever flowing and ever transforming and if I am going to be able to look at myself in the mirror in any particular present moment and see the realness right down to my core I believe it is in my best interest to embrace that I don't know shit, maybe I understand somethings in the now, maybe I "get it" on one particular subject or another but no, not really, I can with confidence declare this earth is round and that we are spinning around the sun which is the star that we happen to be spinning around while it spins around and with many other stars in our galaxy that is itself swirling and spinning around a black hole but who the fuck knows?

Maybe this too is just an illusion.

One things for certain, I am earnestly enjoying having these thoughts streaming out of my being.  I am not taking myself seriously though I am seriously taking a look at whats coming out and thinking that a) its a bit ridiculous, b) it has some profoundness to it but it really is quite ridiculous, and c) besides the fact that I above these very words I have created some of the most long winded run-on sentences ever written by these nimble fingers before, I sure as shit am enjoying the process and feeling great just letting this all out.  The funny-funny, hilarious thing I'm now thinking about is that I am going to publish this for any and all to read and if you have made it this far you too are either enjoying yourself for the nonsensical sake of enjoying yourself, or enjoying it for some other reason, or more likely than not you may even be thinking to yourself, what the fuck is he writing about and why indeed am I still reading this?

Regardless of it all, here I am and here you are.  Thank you for sharing in my expression of wonder, of my journey into the mystery.  Kernels of wisdom, nuggets of absurdity, worlds of understanding, galaxies of confusion, and universes of amaze-balls of awesomeness.  This is my declaration of magnificent ranting and raving.  This is an exploration into the recesses of my thought process, of my ability to stream line my thinking words into typed words and to see if in the process anything meaningful may come of it.  The truth is, this is the most I have written in one sitting in a long, LONG time and it feels good.  Even though at this point it is becoming a redundant revolution of realization that I am writing more nonsense than less it still feels really good.  But fuck it, I have 50,000 of these guys to put out into the universe and specifically the digital medium that by and large has taken over written word with gusto.

Isn't that something?  I remember 18 years ago or so being in school learning to type on a prehistoric computer, thinking well this is novel! "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country"  I got to a point where I could write that sentence like the wind blows.  Hey, look at me!  I can write 50 words a minute doing that, hooray!  Now of course, I sit here and the letters simply appear before me, there is no looking down on the keyboard, my brain and body have figured out this wild as qwerty keyboarding system and now I navigate this device better than and more efficiently than I ever could write words free hand.  And I suppose that is pretty awesome in many ways, though, since I have been writing at least 3 morning pages for a few weeks free hand every day for a couple of weeks now I do have to admit it feels real good to write with a pen and paper to.  It actually feels real good, until it doesn't anymore.  Fucking writers cramp!  Man, that shit happens quicker than before, way quicker, though as the days go on it dwindles more and more and so it is not usually happening until I'm almost finished writing which is nice. Really though, for as much as I like writing free hand, unless it is a poem and is something simple that I'd like to dedicate some real focus to for the sake of how beautiful it can look I really do prefer to "write" by typing.  Is it still technically called writing?  Is there a more accurate word for writing with my fingers like this?  Typing?  Is that really it?  Can I say, boy, I really like typing better than writing!  Or, I just typed a whole novel!  It doesn't sound as good as writing, it doesn't even feel good to read it or look at the sentences with it in them.

Okay, okay, this is going to be wrap up time for this here rant session.  I feel like I may have knocked out several hundred words here and likely toppled over the 1,000 words mark by now.  If not, my goodness gracious is this going to be a doozy getting back on top of writing 50,000 of these by the end of the month.  Ideally though, I can wake up tomorrow and do this all over again!  Maybe I'll have a bit more direction with the next one but I really can't guarantee that.  This though I can guarantee you, I love this life and I love you.  I love that even when it doesn't necessarily make sense (life that is), if we give ourselves the ability to love unconditionally we can see and receive the bountiful loving reality that we are reflecting...

Creativity is the Key for we are in the process of Creation NOW

Creativity.  It's ever present, each of these words by there very nature are spawned from the creative process.

Since the beginning there was...

Creativity.

Creation has this deal with itself, be creative, be creativity, and be in the process of creation all the way there and back again.  Back to source that is.  Creativity is Loves vibratory frequency that allows it to see itself in all its glory.  Creativity is the divine process of unconditional love reflecting itself in every way imaginable in order to fully become actualized.

I think one of the best aspects of creativity is that it truly does have a place in everything we do in this life.  it does not have to be a grandiose process, one in which if we feel unable to be creative then we're failing ourselves.  Naw, even having a thought that we are not being creative or are stumped in the creative process takes creativity to realize.  Why?  Because creativity is ever present.  Our very thoughts, breath, heart beat and lives as a whole are the manifestation of creativity.  Creativity gives us duality so that we may bounce these dualities back and forth back to unity.

I believe if I/we own up to our powerful creativity we can live in every moment a magnificent reality.  We have an ever present opportunity to gift ourselves with Joy, with Love, with the present of the Present.  Gratitude is Creativity's companion, when creativity is being mindfully practiced our spirits cannot help but be grateful.

Creation has a polar opposite doesn't it?

Destruction.

Though as was addressed above, creativity is an ever present process that comes from source and source is whole and complete.  So Destruction and Creation are one and the same if we choose to see it this way.  Of course, we do happen to live in an existence where Duality is the primary focus of Reality.  So Destruction has a warm place in my heart right next to Creation.  A good healthy dose of destruction can be very beneficial.  Life and Death, Creation and Destruction, Beginning and End.  All of these dualities when taken under the microscope or projected out to the macro-scope can be appreciated as actually being very similar, or rather, it is challenging to differentiate where one begins and the other ends (hey, I just used two of these dualities as examples!).  I suppose I thought about destruction because creativity often comes out of seemingly destructive places.  What I mean to say by this is it is through breakdowns that breakthroughs often appear.  It often happens that creativity can often occur while focusing not on what we are desiring to create, but rather by releasing that bond and by doing so destroying the link that may have been the blockage in the first place so that we allow creativity to be revealed through a new and perhaps unforeseen channel.

These are merely my first thoughts for the day coming out for you to share.  I again drew upon a card for a topic to write about and was gifted with a beautiful image and lovely topic.  Creativity is a divine gift we all are born with for we resonate from the eternal source of Creation.  I shall go now, have a little coffee and enjoy this day to the fullest capacity I am capable of, I shall live in creativity, with gratitude and unconditional love for NOW.  The present is a present, this moment is a gift, and may we all shine our light and loving creativity graciously...

Failure is Fears best friend...

I decided to ask the cards today to provide me with a subject for writing about and Failure is what I drew...

This is an incredible card, message, and reminder for me and I'm willing to bet it is for you as well.  Failure is a powerful aspect of our existence, Failure, or the Fear of Failure can be what can ultimately control a persons decision making process so fully and completely that just the thought of failure in any pursuit can be enough to stop most people in their tracks.  I know I've been there.  Shit, I've been there more times than I'd like to acknowledge but even in writing that I realize it is super important to actually acknowledge I've done this many times, reflect on some of these situations in depth and earnestly appreciate what would have happened if instead of not doing something out of the simple fear of failure what may have occurred?  What levels of greatness have I denied myself by not even trying?

I'm a very capable being, when I put my intention and attention towards something and believe I can do it I have accomplished feats most people never would have thought possible.  It's likely you can think back to at least a few of these types of experiences in your own life and realize, "damn, I did that even when I wasn't even sure I could do it!"  Failure, just thought of it is able to incapacitate oneself, to figuratively and often quite literally paralyze us to a point of actually being frozen in place.  The thought of failure can bring forward such a potent dose of fear that life can look like an impossible, nasty, and unfair reality.  What is incredible about this is that all of these are indeed just thoughts.  Our very own thoughts at that.  It's okay, I've been there, I'm pretty certain more or less all of us have been there before.  It takes great courage and a strong sense of self worth to go ahead and do whatever it is you believe in regardless if you think failure is an option or not.  The truth of the matter is that failure is ALWAYS an option.  It is virtually essential for success in most forms.  In order to achieve pretty much anything we need to accept that there's a fair chance we may fail.

If a life is lead with Failure at the forefront then a failed life will likely be lived.  If a life is lead with Failure acknowledged and yet Success is still maintained and believed in then this life will be one richly lived, with adventures galore, for life really is a process of falling and getting back up.  It is through failure that we find success, we deserve to believe we are capable of anything.  We are potent manifesting beings, we manifest success and we manifest failure too.  Personally speaking (or writing I suppose), as I embrace the magnitude of this realization it dawns on me that my ability to manifest pre-conceived failures is utterly saddening to accept, that is to say, I am presently embracing that I have many times before successfully manifested failure by never giving success a chance.  And by golly, success deserves better than that and so do I.

Failure, the word itself just sounds gross or ugly.  I am a failure, you are a failure, we are a failure, this is a failure... Yuck.  Failure is a perception and quite honestly as I write more about it I'm thinking it to be a mighty dangerous false perception.  Can we ever really fail?  Is failure really ever an actual option?  Sure, we try something and it doesn't work.  We set out to accomplish a goal and do not complete it.  We enter a competition and lose.  We live in each moment doing the best we know how to, or trying to do the best we know how to while the world around us seems to be continuously providing obstacles, challenges, disasters, drama, pain, suffering, hatred, violence, etc and what does all that mean?  Are we really failing at any specific point?  Is failure measurable with any scientific instrument?  Can it be weighed on a scale?  Seen on a graph?  As I write these words I imagine all these places on the Internet and in office buildings, and in homes and wherever else these things might be and it makes me smile, granted it is a cynical smile, mainly because just imagining a place where anyone would be focusing on failure is just a silly thing to imagine.  Not silly funny, and I guess even as those words came out I realize there could be some benefit in having some form of reflection to see where failure occurred, if only to be able to face a similar situation in a future scenario and change your actions in order to transform that failure into a success.  But I digress, I mean really, truly, can we ever really fail?

This is what Merriam-Webster has to say about it...

Fail-ure:
1~ a) omission of occurrence or performance; specifically : a failing to perform a duty or expected action <failure to pay the rent on time> b) (1) : a state of inability to perform a normal functionfailure
> — compare heart failure (2) : an abrupt cessation of normal functioning failure> c) a fracturing or giving way under stress failure>2 ~ a) lack of success b) a failing in business c) a falling short
3 ~ one that has failed

So, yes, we can fail in oh so many ways but my goodness would it be great to not look at life in this way of success and failure.  Alas, that is what we do presently.  Who knows?  Maybe one day the standards with which we base our assessment of our lives will not have these two aspects included.  If anything it would make it less easy to judge people right?...

Back to roughly where I started with this subject though, Failure, specifically the fear of it is arguably one of the most powerful incapacitating thoughts we on an individual basis can have that allows us to not even try doing something, anything really, even though chances are if we are willing to face this often overwhelming fear of failure and persevere through it into the realm of action we find success is really more obtainable than we ever imagined.

We owe it to ourselves to face our fear of failure, it is something we deserve, every single one of us.  May I and We encourage each other to embrace our fears and face them with a sense of self worth and confidence that enables us to attempt all the great things we desire to achieve in this life.  If we are able to do this we can transform this reality into the heaven it is just yearning to be.  I have seen this in others and I have seen this in myself, both sides of the spectrum on the subject too.  If in every moment and I can check my level of fearing failure and still find the strength and belief in myself to do what I am most passionate about than you can too.  Let's go live our lives in an awesome and intentional way where we give that fear of whatever failure we're looking at a good thorough acknowledgement and accept that if we are indeed able to boldly and confidently walk through this fear we can achieve anything and everything.  We are that capable.  I believe this.

I see you Failure and sure, your always and option, but I'll be damned if I let that fear of seeing you on the other side of my dreams stop me from trying to actualize them...

~Mahalo yo!

In Surrender we Go into the Dark...

Where does reality live?  Better yet, what is this thing called "Reality" I've been reading about, hearing about, and wondering about my whole life?  There are few things I'm certain exist, Vibrations, Frequencies, and well Love I guess is all I can be certain of.  And really, those things all are spawned from the same source and technically could mean the same exact thing.  I mean, there's light, there's sound, and, and, and...

Love.

My heart has never hurt like it has today.  Have you ever been there?  I mean really, truly been there?  There is an actual pain unlike any physical pain I've ever experienced in this life, why is it here and what does it mean?  Okay, okay, I know why it is here but what is it trying to tell me?  I suppose it isn't necessarily trying to "tell" me anything, it's simply letting me know I sure as shit am feeling something deeper in my heart space then I've ever felt before and for what its worth I am really curious to investigate that right now.  So, a journey into the darkness of my heart, where light has either been pushed away or maybe even mysteriously been hidden away from this place for a long time.  I'm deciding in this moment not to look back on these words and rather just let them pour out of me as stream of consciousness as they can be.  After all, this is an investigation is it not?  A journey to uncover some explanations if not answers, a discovery of my souls process and what it looks like to be a realized Being on a cosmic journey through a divine vessel called this here human body...

I wonder if when I'm done writing this it will, or rather I will push that Publish button up on the top and share this with anyone who cares to read it.  I wonder...

Either way the universe is getting the show because these thoughts are happening and these words are baring witness to that deed.  So, indeed, I find myself here on an expedition into my heart, into love, into what these fancy words I've gotten so comfortable using mean, like compassion, gratitude, truth, honor, respect, and so on.  I'm uber curious to know where the bullshit ends and the substance begins, or rather, what is the difference (if there is one at all)?  A question mark  ?  The most interesting symbol in the english written language if you ask me.  It is pretty, nay, it is beautiful, the curvature of it, the emptiness between it and that little dot beneath it.  Yep, I like the question mark, almost as much as I like to question.  I think questioning is healthy and knowing is tricky business.  I think primarily with my brain but do I act and exist from this "thinking" space?  It helps me formulate these words, this thinking action but is it running the show?  Am I?  And what fucking show am I talking about anyways?

Am I here as a spectator presently reviewing my and our existence or am I a player in this game we call life?  I suppose both really, and I just called it a game which is interesting because it doesn't always seem like its a game to be played but often times it does.  I mean, when I take a sincerely deep look at myself there is just this guy living a life, a human being, a man who has lived on this planet for 31 years and done and seen many things.  Many things have happened to this man named Joe who also has gone by Joseph, Joey and even to some Mahalo.  This being, this entity is finding himself in the midst of some pretty incredible shit right now, and I don't mean poop, what I mean by "shit" is important, high magnitudes of order experiences of great importance, a place in space where a few concise actions are going to alter the course of his humble tiny life on this planet and then through the natural order and flow of life, it's going to go ahead and effect every other being in existence as well.  So, you know, not like really heavy shit going on, just your every day run of the mill shit...

For real though, I believe many things, often changing what I believe even from minute to minute sometimes.  One thing I believe earnestly though is that our actions have consequences, that is the universal law I grasp at least on the base level of what it implies happening.  That is to say, I understand and respect that everything I or you or anything ever does, and I mean EVERYTHING has a consequence.  I can sit here and pretend like thats some profound realization, or perhaps even get lost in the wonder of what this all means.  That actually is kinda what I'm up to.  May my investigation into consequences lead me to insights on actions...

I'm curious to know how long I can write and ramble on without addressing any particular one subject and still yet come to one if not many conclusions.  I have a gift, you have a gift, we all have a gift.  Our gift is ours to share and no one else can share it for us.  We each have this unique gift that is just patiently waiting to be shared and amazingly, many people may go their whole lives without sharing their gift.  Why?  Why does this occur?  What proof is there that we all have this unique gift?  Well, this amazing fellow Michael Meade helped me remember some of this in his lecture I attended yesterday as a matter of fact.  I think I'm going to pause here shortly and add a little hyper link to his name because I am so impressed by what he had to share, HE knows what his gift is and he generously shares it.

So, ranting about this gift.  What is it and where do we find it?  To my best knowledge and understanding it will not be found anywhere other than deep within ourselves.  Its that quiet, and often not so quiet yearning inside of us to do the things we love doing the most.  Whatever that is, we each have a vibration, a frequency, a resonance that is just itching to be heard, felt, and experienced by everyone.  It really is though, patiently waiting to be acknowledged and prepared to lay dormant within us if we do not care to unleash it.  And why would we care not to unleash it?  Fear and Failure I suppose.  Fear in all its glory and all its subtlety.  We can fear things easily because there is plenty to fear.  Fear is basically everything we ever had any degree of uncertainty about and that basically includes everything.  I feel like the trick to addressing fear and overcoming the many aspects of it that may hinder us from sharing our gift is to accept that there is something we fear, get specific with it, stare it in the face, and then figure out what in the hell it is about what were facing and why we seem to believe it is greater than us.  In a moment, in a flash, we can take an authoritative stance within the darkness, flush out whatever may be holding us back, and go ahead and shine our light from that space.

What this practice can do is illuminate our journey, sure, sometimes even our own light is virtually non-existent but that's okay too.  Often the dark is just as awesome and incredible as the light as long as we are willing to approach and experience it from a place and space of non-judgement, compassion, ultimate forgiveness, and unconditional love.  With all those accounted for I think you can agree what you'll end up finding more times than not that whatever you were fearing has no real power over you and not only that, through practicing all of these aspects of what it is to be a human animal in todays age we can see often how silly it was to have that fear of whatever it was in the first place.

Well, here I am acknowledging that my writing for the time being is coming to an end.  My imagination, contemplation, integration, and all that good stuff is happening right now so that's pretty awesome.  There's so much going on micro, macro, and well, here we go yo.  I flow with surrender into the unknown...



(note: this was actually written yesterday night and I didn't end up publishing it but I did leave it up and so... it's a day old but not too late to share!)

You deserve to share your Life's gift...

Really, truly, you do.  You have something to share, what that may be I am sincerely unaware, unless of course you've shown me already.  There's something deep inside you, I know, I know, it's dark in there and when you go there it can be very scary to try and find something you can't necessarily see.  Trust me though, it will be worth it.  What is it you are waiting for?  Someone to tell you where to look?  Are you perhaps wondering if there will be a guide book or map that you can use to find your gift to share? And by the way what is this "gift" anyways I'm talking about?  Ah yes, that, well.  You see we are all made of the same divine essence that all of creation is made of and this really magical mystery was presented to each of us, this opportunity to look within ourselves to see the most holy realm of existence, which some call their "truth" and some call their "purpose", while these and other similar words or expressions are pointing us in the right direction the real realness of this gift I speak of is that we all are naturally, inherently gifted beings with a unique presence to share with the collective whole so that as we all contribute our individual gifts a quite marvelous unified story can be seen and appreciated and looked at so that we may all be in awe of this and be grateful.

This is the end of an era in humanities journey in which we shed that which no longer serves us, on an individual level and societal level as well.  We are here with an incredible opportunity to face the coming (and indeed already here) shit storm of  environmental, political, and individual agendas and go into the darkness so that it can be addressed, assessed, and ideally changed for good right?

And then...

Awake.

The idea of coming into a state of being present to dreaming a dream seems to be the theme of Being awake in this life.  At least that is what I thought was what was going on here, maybe I'm still asleep...

If there was or is more to life than remembering how to be a beacon of light and love then what in heaven could it be?

Graciously we are collectively creating this magnificent dream, a dream so pure in its awesomeness and mystery that to really know anything about anything is the greatest challenge and gift of all.  This is a cosmic dance, a celebration with nothing more than an ever present opportunity to see how blessed it is.  There's a spin within and without a doubt this tricky thing we call duality is happening but really only on either side of the divine infinite möbius strip of unity.  You're only up or down depending on which way and how you decide to look at it.  The light is there sure, but it only has that potential to be realized when you're looking at it in the dark.  A protagonist is an antagonist depending on who's telling the story, the bad is only so if you have good to compare it to, and so on and so...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Okay, alright, the above was fun and now I acknowledge that this has indeed begun.  This is an intro into the wonders of this existence.  I may at times go ranting off into the cosmos or get swept away in the winds of words that come and go in a wild flow both in and out of control.  Why not?  The REAL why I believe is why not indeed?  I've decided to embark on a written digital journey that involves 50,000 words making there way out of my brain and into one of many mediums digitally over the month of November in the Gregorian year of 2012.  If there is any substance and truth in what I'm feeling and many, many people are saying then we are right on the doorstep of a fresh new vibration, transformation, and awakening on a whole other divine level.

Whatever comes next I am prepared to be creative, tell some stories, share some dreams, and be as awesome and authentic as I possibly can because quite frankly, you deserve it (and so do I).  It's presently 1:23 in the wee morning hours of the 1st of November, Fiona Apple is gifting me with some creative and mighty crazy music.  And now sleep is doing its very best to pull my eyelids together and so I surrender to that glorious place in space we call sleep.  And sincerely if that is not where dreams live and this here and now is the dream I sure have an amazing dream world I've created...

A Joyous Life...

~Joy on the playground today~

What a Joyous life. There are certainly great highs and lows, an undulating journey on the ebbs and tides of ever moving waves. It is in my best interest (and perhaps yours too) to be as a surfer and gracefully ride them and be present to where you're at on these continuously changing waves, also important, if you're shredding and you suddenly eat it and fall off the wave, find a way to compose yourself, get back on that board and ideally find a way to not fall off in the same way you've done before...

Well, here I am writing words. This is an exercise of sorts as I prepare to embark on a mighty journey in just over 2 days from now in which I will be writing 50,000 words over the course of November. DigiWriMo is a digital challenge in which those who participate attempt to write 50,000 words in 30 days. That is 1,666.66667 of these guys each day. The mediums in which they are written is basically anything digital, I can use this blog, facebook, twitter, instagram, text messages, and even emails if I so choose too, the key is to have them shared and available to be viewed digitally. It is going to be quite a ride. I look forward to it though, it is up to each person involved to decide what they'd like to do with the outcome of their work, whether it is anything at all other than just completing their goal is really something each participant can decide.

I am thinking of a couple options personally. Part of me would like to create a living novel with it all. Something that can be tangibly accessed more or less linearly in one platform on the web, an e-book I guess it would be. Another part of me envisions it actually making it to hard or softcover form in an actual book you can hold. This of course would be quite a process in organization and figuring out something in it that could be considered continuity and graceful form. But there in lies a fun and exciting opportunity to create something rather unique. I could see it coming together as a book format in a really neat kind of way. Imagine, a book that contains many interesting stories, thoughts, communications, and pictures and having all of them be compiled onto actual pages in a way where you are still reading one overall bigger story while following along on a journey through a life and perspective shared by me.

As I bounce on this bouncy chair and type these words it is really amazing to just be present, was just bouncing to Feel Good Inc. by the Gorillaz and now Seven Nation Army by the Whit Stripes is playing. Joy is practicing her letters behind me on a new notebook we scored in a free pile on our walk back from the park, and she is getting good may I add, she is even writing in bubble letters. She actually just asked me what she had written. That is a fun game, for she will basically accept any answer you give her even if it is way more than she has written down or if there are more letters involved than the ones she's written so it's always a fun practice in being imaginative and often really silly. She's got such an incredible imagination. I love this little girl so much, what an absolute blessing to have this remarkable Being in our world.

Just took a moment to see where I was at as far as a word count just out of curiosity, well, I (we) are looking at roughly 600 words above so yeah, uh, if this were a part of the future (that being the month of November) and I were really keeping track I'd still have to create nearly two times the amount of words. That is good though, I feel confident that I can do this. If nothing else it is going to be a great exercise in getting thoughts out of my head and stirring up the ol' kettle that we call the creative process. Oh yeah, that reminds me, I also started the Artist's Way last week so my first week of that will be done soon. For those of you who are familiar with this and for those of you are not it is something I highly recommend you check out. (note: The link I attached is actually to an online version of it I am doing the book form presently) It's funny because it actually has, among many other exercises in writing, a daily morning pages practice in which you start each day freehand writing 3 pages of, yeah you guessed it, words. So, with that thrown in the mix, the month of November is really going to be more like me writing maybe more like 60,000 words or something like that. But who's counting? (oh wait, I am ;)

I titled this blog entry 'A Joyous Life' first because I've shared a nice portion of this day with my daughter Joy and that makes this here NOW a joyous life, and well, although as I mentioned at the beginning the many highs and lows of the ever changing tides of life for the most part I really believe this existence is meant to be a joyous life, it is a grand opportunity to play and be loving, compassionate, joy-filled beings making our way through a dance of diversity back to unity...

~Mahalo yo

And here I am NOW

So... I was just having a deep and meaningful conversation with my mom and while doing so I was laying back and running my hands through my hair. When I got up after the conversation she broke out laughing and I understood why when she said, "Go look in the mirror Joe, you gotta see yourself!" I did so and there I found myself, looking at the reflection of what appeared to be a ridiculous man. Alas, that is indeed what I saw and to a great degree agree with my assessment of my reflection... I also see more. There in the reflection was this person who is confronting his life wholly and completely presently and facing what, to his awareness is the most genuine assessment of himself ever. Sure, there gleamed ridiculousness, but deeper than that, there shined an acceptance and surrender that I saw as vulnerability and power.

As I write these words I acknowledge that I have used my sense of silliness and playfulness as a mask at times. Not always but certainly often enough, if I would have taken a picture of myself a short while earlier there would have been tears in my eyes and an entirely different expression on my face... So, I'm in a space in which I'm facing all my shadows, my demons, my fears, and any and every aspect of my past being that have not served me well and in fact have negatively affected my personal journey and the lives and journeys of many others. I embrace that I am a visionary, a powerful being, and a healer in many ways. What I am now embracing and taking personal accountability for is that my vision sees that I have a fair amount of weakness to address and healing to do as well. I feel it is in my best interest to do the necessary work inside of me right NOW in order to be wholly and completely PRESENT.

My dreams and aspirations are magnificently spectacular and I believe them all to be possible, what I have lacked up till very recently is the awareness of my capability to truly achieve these things. I see some key elements that are needed, consistency, follow through, and WAY better communication are three of the most crucial ones that I am focusing on. And I just mentioned the fourth and arguably most important of all these and that is FOCUS, if I do not really FOCUS now, consistently, following through with very simple and tangible goals to focus on and follow through with and be able to communicate my dreams, visions, and aspirations clearly then I will likely find myself in the same or similar cycles I've been spinning through this entire lifetime. I see the importance in knowing me better, in understanding the day to day, moment to moment aspects of myself that really need to be improved upon if I am to truly thrive in this lifetime. I am no longer content with just surviving.

Sure, I've succeeded in the past, I've achieved some pretty amazing things, but what I have yet to do is find a system for myself that allows me to navigate through this reality consistently in a manner that can only be described as THRIVING. I'm ready for that, I've been ready for that, what I am now, that I was lacking in the past is the willingness to face the pieces of me that have held me back from this authentic awesomeness. More importantly than embracing these things that have held me back, presently, I am facing the very real truth that because of my lack of clear communication, follow through, and being able to face my fears and express myself when confronted with them has in the past lead me to bring great pain and suffering into the lives of many people on my journey... For this I am sorry. I, like I'm pretty certain everyone else does, have ways in which I can be a better, nay, be the best human being I can be.

What I am focusing my entire reality on right now is finding out exactly what these areas are that I need to address and whence I find them all, systematically go through each one of them and put into practice a consistent routine that will, through this consistent practice, integrate these past lacking aspects into the present and future me. This is my journey, this is the path I choose to walk right now. I believe I am capable of achieving all of this because I, and humanity (and indeed all of reality) deserves it. I am humble and grateful to realize that this is an extraordinary task and opportunity to be facing and I am ready. I have no expectations, no completion date set, nor do I have even a graph or other visual aid that will really be able to chart my progress and that's okay. What I am really looking forward to doing is believing what I am saying always, and to be willing to compassionately live in a mindful and present way that shall provide me and all that is with a consistent level of authentic awesomeness so that I may see this reflection everywhere... I write this from a space of openness, of giving, and of receiving.

I forgive myself for the ways I've been that have brought pain and suffering into the hearts, minds, and lives of others. I do this and prepare myself for the journey ahead (ironically I see that I will have to go back some to move forward successfully) I am now sleepy and will now lay my head and body down for rest and slumber and check in tomorrow with myself so that I may move as consciously and lovingly forward from that particular space of the ever present moment with as much grace and joy as I possibly can. ~Mahalo yo

Openning to Grace I give thanks...

Welcome to these words. I write them to share, I also write so that I may better reflect on the thoughts and feelings flowing through me. This is all so fascinating, this life, this continual, ever present moment that we've been gifted the ability to see as an unfolding perspective. Here I sit, listening to One Day (live) by Matisyahu and doing my very best to make sense of this reality.

I am a human being, an animal cohabiting this incredibly complex largely water world as on of the small percentage of beings on this planet who lives on land. For whatever reason I have been blessed with the ability to formulate thoughts and construct those thoughts into spoken and written words, symbols, musical expression, along with artistic and destructive capabilities that I can consciously or not choose to act out in this life.

I believe I am alive and awake though I'm also willing to believe that this is just a part of the greater dream that is absolute consciousness. I realize that there are dimensions and domains available to me that I've briefly visited/embraced or tapped into. I'm doing my best to account for all the magic that occurs while sleeping, dreaming, in this context is an aspect of this existence I rarely see coming into focus or discussed as openly or as often as I look forward to it one day reaching. So there's awake and asleep as general loose perspectives but in each there is infinite possibilities and potential, only unrealized until we are willing to coax it into that special place we call manifestation.

Manifestations are awesome, we are ALL manifestations and in this, we are all reflections. We've collectively agreed on one pretty wild reality here on Earth. We'll leave out the rest of the Cosmos and what's going on in the grander Omniverse for now. On this planet, in my brief lifetime in this vessel I have born witness to many seemingly incredible leaps and bounds in the way society operates do to the ever expansive and complexly interwoven age of "modern" technology. The internet, cell phones, video phones, 3D cameras and Televisions (viewing screens?), memory storage capabilities becoming smaller in size as they grow in holding capacity, 3D printers that can literally "print 3 dimensional objects designed on a computer and built out of any number of materials, and so many other incredible gizmos and gadgets that were hardly believed possible a mere 15 to 20 years ago.

All this is wonderful on many levels and yet something has felt strange about how these things have come to be this way. I have learned through exploration that most of these technologies are based on crude systems that use unsustainable energy sources that are ultimately inefficient to a fault that will eventually be realized through through a fair deal of disaster and detriment to our blessed existence on this planet. And then, as I'm exploring this and researching many other fascinating subjects that have intrigued me for much of my life I come to find that if you go back to a certain point with virtually all of these technological advancements, we, as in humanity as a whole had to very different options and paths to choose on how we created and shared these gifts with the world.

One of those paths has been walked before, far beyond where we are now with technology and communication capabilities. It was based on principles of efficiency, harmony, and the utilization and cooperation of the awesome energies that are ever present on this planet, on this plane, and in this dimension. This is a dense reality and perspective I've grown rather certain through both observation and experience. Embracing this knowledge, harmonizing with the sacred geometric frequencies of everything, and doing all this from a space of love, gratitude, and divine intention is not only possible, it is where we genuinely thrive.

It is exciting to see individuals in the collective soup of consciousness that are sharing there passion for remembering these truths and having the courage, patience, grace, and overall ability to share what has been forgotten (and to a great extent suppressed) with everyone alive right NOW. I know many people, including myself through much of this life have accepted this current civilization as just the way things are or believing that what I was taught in school about history and what was presented to me on the Television Programs was reality. And it is, sorta. Everything we think does become a part of reality, its just that reality as it were, is infinite, infinity. There in lies the space to play and interpret it all in any way we'd like.

Alright, I have a sweet little girl named Joyously who I'm ready to start getting ready for bed, we'll do some hair brushing, read some stories and listen to some sweet melodic music in the genre of Dean Evenson and Scott Huckaby, I do cherish this space in our day. I'll have to leave this as an open essay or writing that I look forward to getting back to in a "future" moment...

(note: no editing, grammar checking or for that matter I haven't even gone through and read what I just wrote above, this is basically a free association thought release piece)